15 Aug You look nice

You look beautiful today.

I am a massive fan of this sentence. I have no problem telling everyone and anyone this. You may be my Mum, my best friend or just someone standing next to in a queue. I probably come across a bit forward or full on, but I mean it sincerely and its become a bit too easy to rag people out now I want to build people up.

Yet, if someone says this to me well that’s a different story.
I cannot cope when anyone says anything complimentary to me. Ever.

Mu utter lack of confidence and belief stops me from comprehending how people would find nice things to say to me so when it happens I almost don’t know how to compute. I am trying to give less fucks and now at the ripe old age of 34 I don’t necessarily care what people think of me. I have no time for people that genuinely don’t care, that shit’s whack!

I have surrounded myself with good eggs and I am all their biggest hype girl. One of the biggest loves of my life is also my work mate and I feel sorry for her sometimes because I cannot stop telling her how beautiful, smart and funny she is. I probably tell her I love her twice an hour and its mainly because I am so consumed with my love and adoration for her I can’t contain it. I am the biggest softie to exist. A while back though she told me that I was smashing my 30’s and that I had never looked better and I wanted to crawl away and hide my tomato face from her.

I made a friend (can we say that sentence in our 30’s? it sounds weird) about 2 years ago and this woman is just insanely amazing. From the first time I met her I just wanted her in my life and luckily, she hung out with me. On my birthday a year ago, she gave me a card and inside she had written how lucky she felt to have met such a beautiful soul and when I got home I cried. I was absolutely gobsmacked that this beautiful, sassy, cool girl felt that about little old me. I was the lucky one, yet she felt the same.

I just can’t seem to let myself be okay with someone being nice to me. Ven down to someone saying, ‘Oh I like your dress’ my reply is never ‘Thank you’ it’s always ‘Urgh, I think my legs/hips/tummy looks weird’, ‘It draws attention to my snaggletooth’, ‘It was only £5 in the sale’ or the old favourite ‘It was the best of the lot. They all looked shit, but this was the least shit’. Cannot ever just say thanks.

Writing this down I’m super paranoid that this sounds completely conceited and I think that’s another part of the problem. I think we get so concerned about ever coming across arrogant or vain that taking a compliment is now harder to react to than an insult.

I get really upset when any of my loved ones talk themselves down, I won’t have it and I know they reciprocate the frustration when I go red and tell them to shut up and stop being stupid. We must learn to take it.

So, I want to try a new thing. I am going to learn to say ‘Thank you’ instead of a ‘fuck off, idiot’ not because I am full of myself but because I really need to get happy with me and I need to believe in myself. I have these grand plans and dreams that I can fully execute if I just believed in myself a little – okay a lot – more.

If someone says something lovely to you, take it. Take a second to process it and say thank you. That person genuinely means whatever they just said to you. That person wants you to feel good so just feel good. Its okay. In the same way that’s it’s okay to give a person a token of affection. Don’t worry if you feel it may be tad overboard just pay a little compliment because kindness goes so much further than hatred. Spread more love. Be more kind

You are beautiful.