01 May Twice around the sun

A milestone occurred today and I did not even clock until 3.37pm. I obviously blame covid-19. Today two whole years ago I launched Nicki Bocker Glory. My blogging may have had a hiatus the last few months whilst I worked on my new job but I think my mind needed it.

The whole reason I took my blog to a whole new level two years ago after knocking out a blog every now and then was because of one little piece I wrote about the struggles I had with my body. I usually had about 25 views on my blog which were made up of mates and my Mum but this one struck a chord with so many of my friends they shared it and it snowballed. I got nearly 4000 reads on that blog. It blew my mind so hard. I had people messaging saying I wrote so truthfully. I laid my soul bare and I wrote how I speak and it resonated. It gave me the confidence and it made me realise that maybe I was not too bad at this writing malarkey after all.

I ploughed some money into it and spent months teaching myself how to create a basic website. My friend came down from London and did a little photoshoot with me and May 1st, 2018 at 10am it went live. I spent the first few months putting up the content, going to events to network – which for someone with severe anxiety is no easy feat – I was on top of the socials, I had worked out the algorithm to maximise my reach and I grew organically. I may not have a huge following but – and I really, REALLY means this – chasing likes ain’t my bag. It’s taken some graft but I started to get commissioned writing jobs then I just lost it.

I cannot say this enough but 2019 was just the absolute worst year for me in a long, long time. When I read back through the blogs, I was uploading I can feel the sadness and stress through them. I am so happy that I went through that which I know sounds strange to say but with every tough time you learn. I have managed to come through the other side. Do not get me wrong – I still have times when I get overwhelmed and anxious but seeing a therapist made me stronger and a fighter. Just like Christina Aguilera. I also won the Turn up your life competition and Shekira will never, ever know how something as simple as choosing me as a winner for that changed my life.

I am only now getting back into writing and I need to take it slow. I love nothing more than to be honest with my readers and talk about things but it was an becoming detrimental to my health to be so honest. Once your open your wounds its hard to stitch them back up when there are eyes on you from different corners of the room. I needed to focus on myself away from you all to be able to be open with you again.

Whenever we watch talent shows I hate the lines that every contestant says “I have been on such a journey” its shit. I find forced self-discovery for tv just nauseating but I am gonna say it. I have been on a journey. It has not been a fun journey and a trip I would very much never like to take again. I have sailed stormy waters, trudged through thick mud, been scorched by the fires of personal hell (alright, dramz!) but I crawled towards the light. I never stopped clawing for it. I knew it would get better. There were some days it got dark, darker than I ever want to get again but something kept me here. That small slither of light.

Right now, it is hard. Everyone being locked away from our normal lives with the added pressure of a deadly virus hanging over us in a giant cloud, the effect it is having on our mental health is escalating every day. It was only a matter of time for the feelings and symptoms to return.  I cancelled my zoom Turn’d up class today because I woke up sad and I could not shift it. I was so sad that I couldn’t even cry. It’s an empty sadness, you know why you feel it but it’s nothing logical or valid. When I saw what day it was and I started looking at my old posts, it’s lifted me. I did this. This is mine and mine alone. I have worked hard and created this space where I can share things and know I am not alone but I can also make others know they are not alone. I have made genuine online connections with people that I would not have crossed paths with. I have had strangers say they loved a piece of writing. Something as simple as me spewing words on to paper has made someone else feel better. This is not something to sniff at. I am terrible at taking compliments or recognising anything I do is of any measure or worth noting. I also have to remind myself that all feelings are valid. It doesn’t matter that I can’t explain my sadness today. I feel sad and that is okay. We never try to explain why we are happy or when we laugh so why do we need to find reasoning for the negative feelings? is it so we can rationalise? Is it to please those around you so they don’t just think you’re in a mood? It is damaging to have to find excuses to why the bad feelings come. They just come sometimes. Now more than ever. They also happen to EVERY. SINGLE. PERSON. IN. THE. WORLD. This is going to be what I work on over the next year.

Exactly one year from now I want to be writing a blog and I want it to be how I am taking pride in my achievements. From the little things to how I made the most incredible lasagne to whatever big thing I get through. There is nothing wrong with recognising your milestones. It does not make you conceited. It does not mean you are bragging. It means that you have the courage and the awareness that something you did made you feel good. Its harder to praise your Posi Polly vibes but so easy to explain the your Neggy Nelly vibes were why you failed. I am going to be unapologetic in my feelings. Sometimes it’s just shit.

I cannot wait to throw a birthday party either, with people in a room that you can hug like in the olden days to celebrate. I had one planned last year and cancelled because of how low I was. 2020 Nicki ain’t into that shit so it definitely ain’t gonna fly with 2021 Nicki. There is going to be balloons, cake, gin, pizza, Dance performances, comedians, magic, strippers, EVERYTHING. It is going to a deliciously decedent evening full of debauchery where everyone can feel safe and loved.

Because that is what I am. I am safe. I am loved and most importantly, I am still here.

Happy Birthday Nicki Bocker Glory. I love you.