01 May Am I Mum or am I Nicki?

Congratulations! You have had a baby. Life as you know it will never be the same again.

You will now know love like you have never even imagined you could know. You will see this tiny little person grow and do all these incredible things.

You teach them how to do everything and gaze in awe as on the millionth try they get the spoon in their mouths themselves.

They finally wobble off on the gravel path with just two wheels.

They can do more times tables than you.

Parenting is a wonderful journey of excitement and pride.

The downside? You lose you. It starts as soon as you get that positive result because you aren’t looking after just you. You can’t eat rare steaks or certain fish in case of mercury levels. Don’t even think about having a glass of wine or a cigarette, you can’t poison your foetus.
Your body changes and feels alien. Everything hurts, and you are uncomfortable but its only for nine months, right? Wrong.

I had my first baby twelve years ago (I know, I know, I look too young to have a twelve-year-old, it’s my youthful complexion) and my second – and last – baby seven years ago. Honestly, the last year I feel I have finally reclaimed my body.
I have accepted the stretch marks and I am incredibly lucky as they are only on my hips and thighs. My stomach did not go massive I had two neat little bumps.

Both babies were born via caesarean and because of this I have a huge scar on my vagina. Last summer I got a high leg swimming costume and felt so self-conscious as you could see my scar on either side. No one would’ve noticed and if they did why the hell are they staring intentionally at my foof?

My boobs have settled. I had horrifically big breasts in my teens and they have finally settled at a beautiful 34D and I hold my hands up and I say I love my boobs and I am proud to love them. On my 31st birthday I got my nipples re-pierced and then had a massive complex about whether this was okay for a mum to have this done? I’ve sexualised my breasts (nipple piercings heighten the senses) can I do this? Can I be sexy and sexual whilst being a mum? Why is this even a thing to struggle with?

Because it is. When having sex that is you and you are doing something for you that you enjoy. And it’s rude.

Sometimes, you are in the zone you are close to the orgasm and your kid cries. There is nothing that kills the moment more than having your child need you and you must automatically go from having dirty sex to being boring, old straight-laced mum.
Your sex life does dwindle after having kids. It is inevitable, but it is normal.
Take parenthood a day at a time. Don’t apologise for being sexless. Don’t apologise for dressing differently because you won’t feel right in your usual clothes. Don’t apologise for wanting to run away for a few hours alone.

Just don’t apologise.

You do you. No one has it perfect and if they say they do they are extremely lucky or lying.