14 Jul You should go and love yourself

I may come across as confident, I’m often a bit of a loud mouth possibly even a show off in certain situations but never for validation from others, its mostly because I like to piss around.

Yet I have the biggest ball of self-doubt that firmly nestles in the pit of my stomach that consumes me at certain moments.

It is hard to not compare yourself to other people all the time. The grass always looks greener in someone’s else’s yard but what we fail to see is that there is probably someone looking at you, thinking the same thing.

I studied Drama and danced and Am-Drammed my way around in my teenage years and although I got slight nerves, I loved it. Performing has been a release and a place I come alive for pretty much all my adolescence.

Today, in about five hours’ time, I will be performing a tap routine with my adult dance class in a very relaxed end of year showcase and I am an absolute mess. I woke up and was trying to think of excuses I could come up with to text my teacher to say I couldn’t do it anymore because I do not want to go.

This is the time I need validation, but I don’t know where I need it to come from. My tap mates have all told me that I’m good, my teacher has told me I’m good, yet I cannot believe it.

I was one of those pupils that throughout everything always had “Nicola could do better if…” and after having that for most of my life it is hard to ever shake that off.

I could always do better because I am not good enough. That is what I hear.

I moved up a tap class last September and at Christmas time I was going to ask my teacher if I could move back down because I was finding the class just too hard and I dreaded going. I often came home in tears because I couldn’t get the steps and I looked like a dick and everyone else was so good and I was shit (This is what is was wailing to my poor husband who honestly needs a medal for putting up with my anxiety-ridden dramatic wailing). I persevered and through sheer determination to not look like a dick I managed to start picking up things. I have a long way to go to be the same level as the rest of my class, but I also must remember that I haven’t even been in the class a whole year yet. When I watch the video of last years performance to the rehearsal video for this year the difference is astounding. I can see it, I can see my progress, but I don’t believe it. The voice of self-doubt won’t let me accept that I have got better because 1. I will see the mistakes over everything and 2. I never want to be considered conceited. I am afraid that If I believe I can do these things that I blatantly can do then I will be proved wrong somehow. I always feel that there is someone to kick me down when I am most happy and relaxed. Maybe I should get some therapy.

Over the last few days I have been trying to trick my mind into self-belief and the thing that has helped. RuPaul’s drag race. If you haven’t seen this show, then you must. It is full of acceptance and courage and just knowing your worth and we all need to channel this more, especially me.

I want to try and embody Sasha Velour as I tap spring onto the stage tonight full of power and fierceness and just not care about whether I miss a step or two. I think this is something that we all experience. We never want to fail at things. No one wants the embarrassment of looking like a dick and it appears in so many situations. To something as small as possibly messing up a tap routine through to failing a test, a relationship ending, selling a home and moving back in with parents, getting let go from a job, starting your own business and it not working out, the list is endless. We are all striving to be better and to keep smashing it and to prove to everybody than we are better than just being, but we shouldn’t be doing it for other people. You only need to prove it to yourself. I am always flouncing around a “YOLO” or a “Ah, fuck it! Who cares?” well – blatantly – I care. I care so much about letting people down or people thinking I am rubbish that I probably make myself fail through my anxiety and self-doubt. I even used to be embarrassed that I had nothing exciting about my life other than raising kids. My kids are so goddamn awesome. Like, you wouldn’t believe how incredible they are, and I have done that, and I have struggled for twelve years and put my life on hold to raise these beautiful, weird little creatures. I own that. I am proud of that.

I’ve even watched every single Harry Potter movie in one sitting. If I can’t boast about 23 hours of straight movie watching, what can I boast about?

We all need to take more care of ourselves and embrace our own souls. I need to let go and know that it is okay to love myself.

After all, if you don’t love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else? Can I get an Amen!